Joke

at the last olympics i was sat in the front row,


this guy walked past me with a great big long pole thing over his shoulder,


"are you a pole vaulter" i said,

"no i,m german and how you know my name walter??" he replied

A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Sheeit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well you see," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland operation. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this"
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a baby boy!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About 15 years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
"What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father".

Auto censoring helps, don't it? My apologies...

Thats better - why censor 15 when spelt out, but not when numeric? Ho Hum

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's got to be worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

A livestock expert was visiting a farmer and asked how much one pig weighed. The farmer grabbed the pig by the tail with his teeth, lifted it for a moment, and said, "Twenty eight and one half pounds." The expert couldn't believe it so the farmer did it several more times. When the visitor still wasn't convinced, the farmer had his son do it a couple of times and then sent the boy to get his mother so she could demonstrate it too. The boy came back a while later & said, "She can't come right now, Dad, she's weighing the mailman."

The wedding is over, the happy couple have left the reception, and got to the hotel. The radiant bride sits on the honeymoon suite bed and says to her expectant groom, "Now we are married, I really should tell you...I used to be a hooker."

Shocked, the groom rallies well and replies "That's in the past, darling! It doesn't matter - but it is strangely exciting. Tell me about it..."

"My name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan."


Joke thanks to Countdown

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob

Q: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A: Sticks it in Olive Oil.

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

Q: Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?
A: Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey & vinegar?

Because Kermit loves sweet n sour pork.

nx wrote:
Like it!

A couple have been married for forty years and decide to revisit the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumps on her. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

(forgive that this post eludes the topic... but)

a girl loves a guy that makes her smile... a gal falls for the guy that can make her laugh...

a girl... ahhhhhhhh.... let's see... oh, yes... a girl gives much to a guy that makes her laugh every day...

keep this thread alive...

it's a quiet night here in boston... i have a glass of wine... i am missing my man, terribly... but you guys are making me laugh... thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, muchly....

julie

What do you get for the person who has everything?

Penicillin!

juliegirl wrote:

More than welcome.

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon half out of her cunt.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back with his penis stuck into a potato.

He looked at his wife, and said "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator".

Three guys in a bar, drinking quietly, when a loud drunk staggers up to them prods one in the chest and yells "Your mum sucked my dick!"

The victim shakes his head sadly, and seeing no reaction the drunk staggers off.

Ten minutes later, he's back, prodding the second bloke in the chest. "I fucked your mother!"

No reaction from the second bloke, so again, he staggers off.

Ten more minutes, and he's back again, goading the third man. "I fucked your mother in the arse!"

The third guy shakes his head, and replies "Dad, you're pissed - go home."