Joke

A farmer goes into town, and purchases a rooster. he takes it home and as soon as it’s out of it’s cage it runs into the hen house and screws every single one.
The farmer, who is in shock, says "You crazy rooster, you’re going to kill yourself!"
As soon as he’s out of the hen house, he spies a group of ducks and proceeds to screw every single one.
Not finished yet, the rooster locates a group of geese and screws every one.
"Stupid rooster, you’re going to kick the bucket if you don’t slow down." says the farmer, then he goes inside for lunch.
Later that day, he goes outside to check on the animals, and sees the rooster, dead as a doornail on his back, with a trio of buzzards circling overhead.
"Screwy animal, what did I tell you about slowing down?" Grumbles the farmer as he approaches the rooster.
the rooster opens one eye and whispers" Back off man, they’re getting closer."

this guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this hot woman, and checks his watch.
the girl asks: are you waitng for someone?
he replys: no i have a new watch, it can talk to me telepathically,
she says: whats it telling you?
he says: its saying ou’re not wearing any panties
she giggles and says: well its wrong, i am wearing panties,

so he hits the watch sayin, damn thing must be an hour ahead

A midget walks in to a bar, takes a few shots of whiskey, jumps up on the bar stool and said, "Hey, any of you motherfuckers want to fight me?" A guy 6 feet two inches tall and weighing 253 lbs stood up and said, "I’ll fight you!" That little midget jumped on him and beat the shit out of him. Next night the midget walked in and took a few shots, jumped on his bar stool and said, "Hey, any of you motherfuckers want to fight me?" This time an even bigger guy stood up. He was about 6 foot 5 inches and weighed 348 lbs. The midget jumped on him and beat the shit out of him, too. So the bar owner went out and bought a gorilla and locked it in the bathroom. Later that night the midget walked in, took a few shots of whiskey and jumped on the bar stool and asked if there were any sons of bitches that want to fight. This time no one stood up. The bar owner said, "There’s a guy in the bathroom that wants to kick your fucking ass." Now the gorilla was in the bathroom for about 6 hours and was really pissed off. That midget walked into the bathroom and there was all kinds of noise for about 2 hours. Finally that midget walked out, sat down all out of breath, looked at the bar owner and said, "Tell that damn nigger his fur coat is in the toilet."

A pussy is like snow...It’s fun to play in, you never know when it’s gonna cum, and only some of it is clean enough to eat.

Speaking of roosters.
A farmer bought a new, virile, young rooster to replace his old one who was getting on in years. Out in the barnyard the newcomer strutted up to the old bird and bragged, "Move over you tired old piece of shit. I'M the new cock of the walk and all these hens are MINE.
The old one answered, "Tell you what kid, I'll race you around the barn one time and if you can beat me, I'll walk out and let the coyotes get me. Just give me a ten foot head start."
The youngun figured he couldn't lose and agreed so off they went.
As they rounded the third corner, the farmer was standing there with his shot gun and blew the head off the younger rooster.
"Damn! That's the fourth gay rooster in a row I've bought!"

An old bull and an eager young one are standing on a hill looking down on a big herd of heifers. The young bull says, "Let's run down there & screw a couple of those beauties!"
The old bull answers, "Son, let's WALK down there and screw 'em ALL."

It was announched today that Margret Thatcher is to be buried at the bottom of a man-made lake.

At least, she will be when we have all finished pissing on her grave.

A priest was walking down the street when he noticed a lad tossing a small bottle in the air and catching it. Curious, he stopped and asked what was in the bottle.
"I dunno, but it's really cool stuff", the boy said and showed the priest.
The good father was shocked to see it was sulphuric acid and tried to talk the boy into giving up the bottle but with no luck.
Taking out his bottle of holy water he said, "I'll trade you this for it. This works miracles! Why, just this day I put a couple of drops on a pregnant woman's stomach and she passed a beautiful, healthy baby!"
"That ain't shit." The boy said. "Half an hour ago I put one drop of this on a cat's ass and it passed a motorcycle!"

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It
reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Mom fainted

tzman wrote:

tzman, you're horrible - I like it.

The next joke courtesy the late, great, Dave Allen:


The 98 year old Mother Superior from Poland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."

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zwergi



While talking of Dave allen, try these, but don't blame me if you laugh too much:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=

(Kudos to the original posters)

A POX on you Alton Towers!! Now there's one more thing I'm going to spend most of my time doing...finding vids by this guy! He's frikkin hilarious! Thank you. Thank you.
Now I gotta go watch the next one.


After seeing some of the older stuff, I DO remember him now. I watched some of his routines years ago. He was funny then, but I think the more recent stuff is even better. He reminds me a lot of one of my college profs...looks AND acts like him.

An Irishman walks out of a bar....

Aw hell, we might as well stop now. There's no topping THAT.

Yeah, they should bring him back.


From the dead, preferably, but failing that just repeat his shows.
Come to think of it, I'll sugest that to a couple of TV channels...