Joke

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with g****fruit mint conditioner
enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.



How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.


If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.


Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk.


Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of bath the whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on.


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

Good comeback line

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home
from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft
and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought
there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out
a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and
proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?"
he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked
up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a
pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me
straight in the face and said...

"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"

A guy is sent to Porstmouth on business, and ends up the first evening in the hotel bar. He's getting a bit drunk, and a bit bored when this gorgeous woman walks in and sits down at a window table. He turns to the barman and asks who she is. "Oh, she's the local prostitute" comes the reply. Not quite that drunk or bored, he goes to bed.

Next night, same thing, but he goes over to talk to her.
"I hear you are the local prositute?"
"Local, and the best - I'll give you a hand job for £100"
"£100 for a handjob! You have got to be kidding!"
"Look out of the window", says the hooker, "See that Ferarri? I bought that - cash - with the money I made giving handjobs."
The guy isn't too sure, but goes for it - and it's the best handjob he has ever had, even better than sex.

Third night, he talks again, and she offers him a blowjob for £500.
"£500! The handjob was brilliant, but £500 for a blowjob?"
"Look out the window" she tells him. "See that office block? I bought that - cash - with the money I made giving blowjobs."
The guy remembers the handjob, and gets out his wallet. It is awesome, better even than the handjob!

Fourth night, and he goes home tomorrow - he has got to try the pussy!
"Look out of the window," she tells him. "See that island?"
"The Isle of White!?!" he exclaims in disbelief.
"Yes", says the prostitute. "If I had a pussy, I'd own the island!"

bigpaulie426 wrote:

Dammit, you beat me to one of the good ones. This is a good one to tell women...if you can get past the first part without them hitting you.

warpigs, this is a variation on one of yours;

A Sunday schoolteacher was asking her class what part of the body they thought enters heaven first.
Susie said, "The heart, cause that's where you feel love"
Betty said, "I think it's the head cause that's what you think about heaven with."
Dirty Johnny said "Nah, it's the feet"
The teacher asked, "The feet! Why the feet?"
"I heard noise coming from my folk's room last night and when I looked in Momma was layin on her back with her feet up in the air yelling 'Oh God, I'm comin' and if Pop hadn't been holdin her down, I think she'd have gone."

A girl's parents were worried that their daughter hadn't told her new boyfriend about a serious medical condition for fear of losing him so they sat him down to break the news.
"Mike, we think you should know that our daughter has acute angina."
He answered, "You bet she has, and her tits are great too!"

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?


The taste.

Near the end of the divorce hearing between Micky and Minnie Mouse, the judge said to Micky, "Mr. Mouse, I find no grounds to grant your request on the grounds of insanity. A team of experts have found her to be of sound mind."
Micky answered, "But I didn't say she was crazy; I said she was fuckin Goofy!"

Teacher was telling the class about some speech problems and mentioned stuttering. One lil girl said "I had a kitty cat dat stuttered an it killed her."
The teacher replied, "Now sweetie, I don't think cats stutter and if they did, it would hardly kill them."
"Yes maam, it did. My kitty an me was in my back yard when dis HUGE doberman jumped over da fence. Kitty started sayin Fff, Fff, Fff an before she could say 'FUCK!' dat dog ate her!"

It was time for health lessons and teacher (some people never learn) asked the class if anyone knew anything about the penis.
Dirty Johnny raised his hand and said, "My dad has two of 'em."
"TWO of them," said the teacher, "I don't think so."
"Oh, yeah, I seen 'em both. He gots a little bitty he goes potty with an a GREAT big one he brushes Mommy's teeth with.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.


julie

what is the "little johnny" joke that runs this course...

1. grade school sex education class
2. teacher asks if anyone has something to contribute
3. johnny raises his hand... when teacher calls on him he says, "Sex is just like the Lone Ranger."
4. the baffled teacher ignores him
5. repeat 3. and 4. ad infinitum
6. the bell rings, class is dismissed
7. teacher stops johnny and asks, "What is this about the Lone Ranger and sex?"
8. johnny says, "Oh, you know... nobody ever fucks with the Lone Ranger."

can anyone put this correctly... or is it correct?

julie