Joke

There was a young boy and an old man. The old man had an unusually small head. So the little boy asked the old man "Why do you have such a small head?"
The old geezer answered, "Well, one day I was fishing and I got a huge bite. As I wound it in I saw it was a mermaid. She said to me that she would grant me one wish so I said 'How about a little head?'"

A doctor told one of his patients that he had to stop masturbating. The patient replied that there was nothing wrong with it and even was good for the heart. The doctor said, "Maybe, but it makes it really hard to check your pulse."

It was the night of the palace ball and Cinderella couldn't stop crying. Her
fairy God-mother was very distraught. "Cinderella," she said, "Why are you
crying? You have a beautiful gown, a shiny pair of glass slippers, and you're
about to have one of the best evenings of your life!" But Cinderella continued
to cry. "I know," she said, sobbing, "but I've looked everywhere and I can't
find my diaphragm! What am I going to do!?!" she cried again.

The fairy Godmother thought for a moment, and then said, "I'll make you a
diaphragm, but only for tonight and you HAVE to be back by midnight or it will
turn into a pumpkin." "Thank you! Thank you!" she shrieked, and she went
hurrying out the door so she wouldn't be late.

The fairy God-mother smiled, happy to have pleased Cinderella so much. She
settled down in front of the fire to await Cinderella's return.

The fairy God-mother waited. And she waited. And she waited, until finally 12
o'clock rolled around and there was still no sign of Cinderella. The fairy God-
mother started to get worried. One o'clock rolled around and then came two and
then three and the fairy God-mother had worked herself into a frenzy thinking
about all of the horrible things that could have happened to her.

Suddenly, the door swings open and Cinderella comes sauntering in in a daze with
a lazy smile painted on her face, a little drunken swagger in her walk and kind
of breathes a tired hello.

The fairy God-mother's eyes got big and she jumps up. "What happened? Are you
ok?" she said with a frantic voice.

"I'm just fine," she murmured. I was on my way home when I met the most lovely
man.... Peter, Peter something or other."

A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dad says "What do you want fathead?"
The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"
A woman hears this and asks him "Why do you keep calling your son fat head?"
"Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man.
"Number one you got to have a big truck. See my truck over there? Biggest truck in the county.
"Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the biggest house in the county.
"And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

This guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy wonders outloud, "What the hell happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood
what I said and answered me!"
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I'm a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "I can't afford that," he says.
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer!" The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman"
"What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy cries. "Then what?"
"Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with
her breasts and slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time.....
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I fell off the damn perch."

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move,I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah, I couldn't find her head."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the
same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A guy walks into a bar, sits a bullfrog on the bar, and starts bragging about the special trick it can do. No one seems too interested until a beautiful woman finally asks what the special trick is. The guy tells her that he's trained the frog to eat pussy and give a woman the most intense orgasm she's ever felt. After a little coaxing, the woman decides to give it a try so they go to a back table where she takes off her panties and sits, spread-eagle, in front of the frog. The frog just sits there and the frustrated woman starts to get pissed off. Finally, the guy moves the frog aside, kneels in front of the woman and says, "OK, frog. I'm gonna show you this ONE MORE TIME!"

Do you know why the boats in the French navy have glass bottoms?

So they can see their air force.

I didn't know if this should go here or in a serious discussion thread; it has some merit. Not mine, I'm just passing it on.

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES!

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslim radicals would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women or touching alcohol. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Doctor Doctor I came as soon as I heard....how's my wife?
She lost her sight, one ear and her left arm
omg...uh...and my daughter
she lost both arms and both legs
omg...uh...uh....and my son
he's the worst of all....he lost his sight, all his limbs and he's paralysed from the neck down
omg...NOOOOOOOO!
nah, i'm only pulling your leg.....they're all dead

A man walks into a doctor's office with a mole on his head. The doctor say's What can I do for you, sir?
The mole says I'd like you to remove this person from my ass

at a small poor (mostly black) one room school in nowhere georgia the activity of the day is a taste-testin so the teacher, mrs. jones calls up little henry first and gives him a chocolate cookie, after taking a bite henry chews and says "mrs. jones, i believe that that there is a chocolate cookie"
"very good henry" replies mrd. jones, "now take a seat"
next little suzie came up and mrs. jones gave her a piece of birthday cake and after a few moments thought little suzie says " i believe that there is some cake"
"very good, now take your seat" replied mrs. jones
finally little leeroy comes up to take his turn, mrs. jones gave leeroy a hershey’s chocolate kiss so little leeroy eats it and says "it sure is good ma’am but i just cant figure out what it is
"ill give you a hint" said mrs. jones, "it’s what you mom gives your dad every night before bed"
and from the back of the room little henry yells, "spit it out leeroy it’s a piece of ass!"

Man asked his wife for alittle bit, she said no I got female trouble, and went to sleep. Next night he wanted some she said no I got a headache, on the third night he left a box with six small kittens on the bed, she open the box and said what the fuck is this shit, he said those are six pallbearers for your dead pussy!!!!