Joke

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison".

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the small New England town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and idly chatting about their lives, their families, etc., when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Everyone quickly evacuated the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you not know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 31 years."

Sarah Palin

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

A professor at University of Montana was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,
"Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
"Normally, he's deer hunting with his buddies."

This made me laugh:
http://www.break.com/index/sfw-porn-clips.html

A cat dies, and arrives at Heaven. The Pearly Gates swing open, and God comes out: "You have been a good cat, and are welcome in Heaven" He proclaims. "Anything you desire is yours - just ask and ye shall receive!"
The cat thinks for a moment, and says "I was a farm cat, and slept on the ground, or a cold, hard floor. I would like to have a warm, comfortable cushion, if that's not too much trouble."
"This is Heaven. Nothing is too much trouble". God waves his hand and a cushion appears. The cat turns round a few times, puddles a bit and settles down with to a long, warm snooze as only a cat can.
The next day, a dozen mice die, and arrive at Heaven. The Pearly Gates swing open, and God comes out: "You have been good mice, and are welcome in Heaven" He proclaims. "Anything you desire is yours - just ask and ye shall receive!"
The mice go into a huddle, and eventually one of them repies "When we were alive, we were always being chased, and running like mad. Dogs chased us, and we ran. Cats chased us, and we ran. Women with brooms chased us, and we ran. We are sick of running. Can we have some roller skates, if that's not too much trouble?"
"This is Heaven. Nothing is too much trouble". God waves his hand and the mice are all on little, tiny roller skates. Delighted, they ****m off to explore Heaven.
The next day, God is doing His rounds, and passes the cat, which He gently wakes by stroking him. "Is everything perfect?" He asks. "Evertything!" the cat exclaims. "Everything is perfect! This cushion is perfect, warm and soft and comfortable! And as for the meals on wheels you keep sending round..."

lol sum of them are pretty good.
thanx a bunch for sharing alton. if u dont mind i wud like to contribue to this thread of urs.

vikas_says wrote:

Not my thread - yungt33nluvr started it back in January - I just contribute like everyone else.

A fireman was polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he noticed a pretty little girl next door sitting in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the bottom.
The little girl was wearing a fireman's red helmet and had tied the cart to a dog and a cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine," he said admiringly.
"Thanks," said the little girl.
The fireman looked closer and noticed that the little girl had tied one of the carts strings to the dog's collar and the other to the cat's testicles.
"Little colleague," said the firefighter. "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."
A puzzled frown creased the little girl's pretty face for a moment. She looked at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat and then shyly looked into the fireman's eyes and said: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a fucking siren, would I?"

A bloke pops round to visit a sick mate who has a broken leg.
"Anything I can do for you, Colin?" he asks.
"My feet are freezing cold, mate," his friend replies. "Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs?"
The bloke goes upstairs and finds his mate's gorgeous, eighteen-year-old identical twin daughters in the bedroom, stark bollock naked.
"Hi, girls," he says, looking them up and down appraisingly. "It's your lucky day."
"Watcha mean?" said the first daughter, hurriedly slipping into a black, lace thong and bra while her sister covered herself with a towel.
"Your dad sent me up here to shag the arse off you," said the bloke.
The first daughter says, "Fuck off! He never did."
"He did too," replies the bloke, unzipping his trousers.
"No he never," said the second daughter, clutching the towel tightly to her heaving breasts.
"Oh yes he did," insisted the bloke, "I'll prove it!"
"Oi, Colin!", he yells down the stairs. "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them! They're a fucking pair aren't they?"

A policewoman pulls over a drunk driver. “Anything you say can and will be used against you,” she says. So he looks at her and says, “breasts.”

A man had lost everything. His wife, his job, his health, and his mistress. Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, he was run over by a milk float and found himself up to his waist in a lake of boiling piss. No sooner had he climbed out of that than he had to cross a river of shit and face a freezing cold shower of rancid vomit. He was so depressed that he would have topped himself if he wasn't already dead. The next thing he knew, he was in a luxurious hotel bedroom with a grinning demon who was swigging from a bottle of vintage champagne and stuffing his face with a huge slab of pizza.
"Why the long face, mate?" asked the demon cheerfully.
"I nearly drowned in a lake of boiling piss, had to wade through a river of shit and was drenched in vomit", said the man. "How would you feel?"
"That's just our little initiation joke for new arrivals. Take a shower and put on these new threads, man."
The man did as he was told.
"So this really is hell, then?"
"Yep. Feel better now?" asked the demon, munching on his pizza.
"A bit."
"Fancy a bite?"
"Pizza? You mean there's food down here?"
"Food? On Sunday all we do is eat. Pizza, crispy chicken legs dripping with gravy, roast beef, salmon on croute on a bed of fresh rocket, strawberries 'n' cream, chocolate. You name it, we scoff it! I mean, it's not as if you need to watch your weight now, is it? You're dead - remember?
"Great!", said the man and took a huge bite from the demon's pizza.
"Fancy a drink?" asked the demon, proffering the champagne.
"D- drink? You mean there's booze down here?"
"Booze? On Mondays all we do is get rat-arsed. Whiskey, tequila, Cognac, fine Bordeaux, vintage bubbly, port, rum.You name your poison - we drink it."
"Wow! - That tastes good!", said the man, swigging from the demon's bottle.
"Want a fag?"
"Cigarettes! You mean you smoke down here too?"
"Too right we do, mate - here, have one. Hell, have the whole damn pack."
"Thanks", said the man, lighting up. "I was gasping for a fag."
"Then you'll love Tuesdays. We get the finest havana cigars shipped down from above. Or pipe tobacco if you prefer it. I mean, it's not as if smoking's going to kill you, is it. You're dead, remember?"
"Wow! amazing!"
"Do you like a flutter?" asked the demon.
"Well, yes as a matter of fact I do. I lost my job and my business through gambling."
"Cause Wednesdays is Poker night. Blackjack, Roulette, gee gees, dogs, whatever you like. We bet on anything down here."
"If only I'd known...", said the man.
"I don't suppose you were into dope when you were alive, were you?"
"Are you joking? I lost my wife because of my crack habit and put my daughter on the game to pay for heroin."
"Then Thursday is going to be party night for you, mate! Smoke all the crack you want. Shoot up as much smack as you like, Snort coke til your nose drops off. You can do all the drugs you want and if you overdose, you're dead, so who gives a fuck!"
"Amazing! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"
"Wait til you see the cum-slurping sluts we have down here!"
"Sluts? You mean there are women down here?"
"Women? The place is awash with pussy on Fridays, mate. White chicks, black chicks, big tits, small tits, little schoolgirls so hot they'll suck your cock til your balls drop off. I mean, it's not as if you're going to get a dose, is it? You're dead, remember?"
"Unbelievable!" gasped the man.
"You gay?" asked the demon.
"Er, no, I can't say I am."
"Bugger!", said the demon with a grimace. "Then you're going to really hate Saturdays."

One afternoon, an Inland Revenue Tax Inspector visited the Rabbi of a Synagogue to audit the accounts. When he had finished checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and observed:
"I couldn't help noticing that you buy rather a lot of candles, Mr Berman".
"This is a Synagogue," replied the Rabbi, dryly.
"So what do you do with all the candle drippings?", asked the Tax Inspector, hoping to catch the Rabbi out.
"We save them up and when we have enough, I send them back to the candle-makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
The Tax Inspector was visibly disappointed by the Rabbi's clever answer but was determined to catch him out.
"I see..." he continued obnoxiously, pointing to an entry in the bought ledger. "So what about all these Matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from all these Matzos, eh?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi smoothly, "Didn't I show you the crumb box?"
"No."
"Well, we collect up all the crumbs from the Matzos and put them in a special crumb box. When we have enough we send the box back to the Bakers and every now and then they send us a free pack of Matzos."
"Bugger!" muttered the Tax Inspector under his breath. He was completely taken aback and racked his brains for anything that would catch the slippery Rabbi out. Finally, he jabbed his finger at the ledger triumphantly. "I see you carry out a great many circumcisions here, Mr Berman."
"This is a Synagogue," replied the Rabbi. "What did you expect - breast enlargements?"
"Then perhaps you'd care to explain what you do with all the foreskins?", continued the Tax Inspector relentlessly.
"That's easy", replied the Rabbi. "We save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we send them to the Inland Revenue".
"The Inland Revenue?" repeated the Tax Inspector in disbelief.
"Of course the Inland Revenue - who else would send us a little prick like you once a year?"

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”


The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”