Joke

haha nice jokes.. now i know where to go to get some good laughs sometime!

Wooo - it's gone all quiet here....

A very loud, unattractive woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two ki ds in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... nice chil dren you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't!, the ol dest one, he's 9 and the youn ger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... do you really think they look alike?!"
"No" replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"



(This auto censor stuff is a right pain...)

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "It burns when I piss out of it," he replied.

After her fifth baby, Lucy decides she should have cosmetic surgery 'down below' to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her genitals are dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and ****birth have taken its toll and she reckons that she's reached her limit with five pregnancies, so wants to tidy things up with a nip here and a tuck there, so it looks like a piggy-bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
After the op she wakes from the anaestetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. 'Who are these from?' she asks the nurse. 'They're nice but I'm confused as to why I've received them.'
'Well,' says the nurse, 'the first is from the surgeon - he says you were such a model patient that he wants to say thanks.'
'Ahh, that's really nice.' says Lucy.
'The second is from your husband. He's delighted the operation was such a success that he cant wait to get you home, Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very exited about it!'
'Brilliant!' says Lucy, 'And the third?'
'That's from Eric in the burns unit,' the Nurse tells her. 'He just wants to say thank you very much for his new ears.'

Great thread Here's an old one I heard years ago but I still hope it is well received.:


A newly vowed nun joined the order. She was naive and innocent but no one could deny she was also very lovely. A few weeks after her eighteenth birthday she was summoned to the Bishop's private chambers. The nun entered and was surprised to find the Bishop in a large bathtub in the center of the room.

"Your Eminence!" she gasped.

"Hush, Sister." soothed the old Bishop. "I'm merely washing away sin and temptation as ordained in the Baptismal. Come and join me in the waters."

"But...but your Eminence..." stammered the Nun. "You're naked. I can't view you like this and I certainly couldn't..."

"Nonsense." counted her elder. "We are all naked in the eyes of the Lord. It would be sin to hide our selves when we wash away our sins. It shows we are not sincere. Come, sit with me."

The girl wasn't sure, but he was the Bishop. Who was she to question his Holy teachings? The innocent Nun removed her Habit and disrobed. Her body was indeed as flawless as her beautiful face and the Bishop smiled as she joined him in the tub.

They talked of the girl's adjustment to her life of piety and what was expected in the future. but suddenly the naive girl felt something strange. Not wholly unpleasant, but hard and warm pressing against her.

"Ohhh!" she gasped. "Your Eminence! What is that?!"

"That, my dear, is Jacob's Ladder." he explained. "Come, let the Holy Spirit fill you and climb the Ladder." It was painful at first, but soon it was like nothing the innocent Nun had ever felt before. Moving up and down (with the help of the Bishop) she experienced such fulfillment it must be divine! By the end she was totally enraptured.

"Come to my chambers each day." instructed the old Bishop with a smile. "We must guard against sin. Baptism and the Ladder will purify you." The Nun did as she was told and day after day she found spiritual bliss. One day, Mother Superior was walking by and she heard Nun's whimpering cries of devout pleasure. Opening the door she saw her in the tub with the Bishop, head thrown back and moaning, the Bishop's withered hands squeezing the girl's breasts urgently. Shrieking with anger the elderly Nun rushed in and pulled the girl off the Bishop, but then using her ever-present yardstick began beating the Bishop mercilessly. The pious old man was **** to escape, scrambling naked across the floor and hiding in a closet.

"Sister!" demanded Mother Superior, turning to her teenage Nun. "Just what do you think you were doing?!"

"It was all right, Mother Superior." the girl explained as she was quickly getting dressed. "The Bishop was baptising my sins."

"You were doing more than 'baptising'" said the old Nun angrily.

"Yes," agreed the naive Nun. "The Bishop was filling me with the Holy Spirit. I was climbing Jacob's Ladder." The old matron looked at the closet where the Bishop hid with hate in her eyes.

"You BASTARD!" she cursed, and threw a vase which shattered against the closet door.

"Mother Superior!!" gasped the Nun at the profanity. The old woman looked at the girl, fuming.

"That son of a bitch told me it was the Horn of Gabriel." she said bitterly. "I've been blowing that thing for thirty years!"

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Butterfly???

Sorry if this has been posted. I don't want to read through this whole thread to find out.

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it
being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

This thread is a joke!

desh wrote:

Boo!
Worst joke ever!

First year students at Med school were receiving their First anatomy class with a real (dead) human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention”.

Ah! There's life in the old thread yet!



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly gates," said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow.
"And just how do those symbolise Christmas?" he asked.
The man replied, "They're Carols."

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Arthur notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know . . . the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Jack, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack said, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."