Joke

For those on this side of the pond, BBC America now shows Top Gear so maybe they'll run his shows sometime.

Paddy and Mick go up in a small plane. Mick turns to Paddy and says "If we turn upside down, do you think we'll fall out?

Paddy replies "Will we fuck! We've been best friends for years!"

A girl gets home from school all excited and tells her mum "Mummy mummy, at school we learnt to count! Look 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! All the other girls could only get up to 4. Is it because I'm blonde?"

The mother replies, "Yes dear, it's because you're blonde.

The next day the girl gets home from school all excited again and tells her mum "Mummy mummy, at school we learnt the alphabet a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k! All the other girls could only get up to d. Is it because I'm blonde?"

The mother again replies... "Yes dear, it's because you're blonde.


The next day the girl comes home excited again and tells her mum "Mummy mummy, at school we went swimming and when we got changed all the other girls had flat chests, while I've got these!" The girl lifts her top to reveal two huge breasts. "Is it because I'm blonde?"

The mother a little embarrassed responds...
"No, it's because you're 24."

A blond asks her friend which is farther away, Chicago or the moon. The (blond) friend answers, "Hello, can you see CHICAGO from here?"

What do you call a brunette between two blondes? An interpreter.

Why was the blondes' belly button sore? Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

How do you get a blonde out of a tree? Wave.

What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A blonde electrician.

Why are blonde jokes so short? So brunettes can remember them.

What is the definition of gross ignorance? 144 blondes.

Why did the blonde quit her job as a rest room attendant? She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower? The green WELCOME mat is ripped to shreds.

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring.

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in handicapped zones.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? It is the one with the side stand.

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries? Under "Home Improvements."

Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store? It was too tight.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows? It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't got all the hair off her tongue.

How does a psychic refer to a blonde? Light reading.

Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to water ski? She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue!

Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples? Her sister was using the toilet.

A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal her window seat? Tell her all seats going to London are in the middle row.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to keep amused.

What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say? Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first.

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months? Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years."

Why are most blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them.

What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning? Packed his lunch and sent him to work.




At this point I will quit doing blonde jokes...

And I thought I'd about heard 'em all!
Two blondes are standing on opposite river banks. One shouts "How do I get to the other side?"
The other answers, "You ARE on the other side!"

An old guy is walking on the beach, when he sees a girls with huge breasts sunbathing. He stares for a while, then goes over and asks if he can feel her breasts.
"Get away from me, you pervert!" she yells.
"Look, if you let me feel your breasts, I'll give you 20 bucks"
"No fucking way - go away before I call the cops!"
"Ok, a hundred bucks!" He offers.
"Just fuck off you pervert!"
"Ok, Ok, five hundred dollars!" he suggests.
She thinks a minute:

Five hundred is a lot of money, Jimmy Choos aren't cheap...
He seems harmless enough...
No one around...

"Ok, but just for one minute then." she agrees.
She slips of her bikini top, and his hands slide under and around the sweet globes.
His thumbs tickle her nipples, and he gasps, and starts to moan "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
His palms slide over her warm flesh, and he is moaning faster, and faster "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
"Are you ok?" she asks, concerned he might die on her.
He continues to explore her body, moaning "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Where am I going to get five hundred dollars?"

I saw this, and thought of you lot...

Cards that Hallmark Cards don't make, but should...

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )
Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "It worked for your arse, didn't it?"

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
Wipe your dick on the curtains

Two cowboys are sitting on their horses watching the sunset.

One cowboy turns to the other and asks "whats your favourite sexual position?"

"I'd have to say the rodeo position" replies the second cowboy.

"The rodeo position! what the hell is that?" asks the first cowboy.

"Well" says the second cowboy, "you take the woman doggie style, reach around to cup her breasts and say 'wow, these feel just like your sisters' then you hold on for as long as you can!"

In Pharmacology,all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no idea what to do with them.

A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
He smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor lad broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Since you all seem to have lost interest, here is a collection of tee-shirts.

















Well, I like them...