Joke

Simon comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker pen and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

LMAO Some awesome jokes, heres one...

****ren's science exam answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Heres another one! I love this one!

Making a baby

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive ****ren and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that".

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

some guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of whiskey. then another one and another one and on and on, till hes so drunk he passes out.
shortly after that, another guy walks into the room. very muscular and definitively gay. he tells the barkeeper hed pay the bill for the sleeping guy if he could take him away then. the barkeeper just shrugs and accepts the money and so the gay guy walks happily out carrying the drunken man.
the next day the first guy again walks into the bar and starts to drink whiskey again. same thing, the guy passes out, the gay guy walks in again, pays the bill and carries the drunkard away.

next day the first guy again walks into the bar. this time he tells the barkeeper:
"i think i will try your vodka today. your whiskey gives me a sore butt..."

One day a mouse came upon an elephant in the jungle who had gotten a thorn in its foot.

The mouse felt sorry for the elephant, and pulled the thorn out.

The elephant was indeed grateful, and offered the mouse anything it wanted in return for the good deed.

The mouse, noticing that the elephant was female, and feeling rather randy at the time, said: “Well, I’ve always wanted to fuck an elephant.”

The elephant laughed and laughed, and said:”No problem.” and raised the mouse up to her back with her trunk.

The mouse walked to the back of the elephant, who held her tail out of the way, and got started.

Just then a coconut fell from a palm tree and hit the elephant on the head. “Ouch.” She said.

The mouse said: “Take it all, bitch!”

a group of nuns arrives at heavens gates. st. peter asks the first nun: "did you ever touch a penis?" she replies: "yes, but only with the tip of my finger" "well, then put your fingertip in the basin with holy water and then you can enter."
then he asks the second nun: "did you ever touch a penis?" she replied: "im afraid i massaged a penis once." st. peter said: "well, then put your hand in the basin with the holy water. then you can enter."
suddenly another nun pushed her way to the front of the row. st peter asks: "why dont you wait in your place of the line like everyone else?" the nun answers: "well if i really have to wash out my mouth with that water i wanna do it before sister mary puts her ass in that basin!"

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber - the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

two women talk about their sexlife
one asks: "do you and your husband... well... use that other hole sometimes?"
the other woman answers slightly disgusted: "yuck! do you think i wanna get pregnant?!?"

Glad to see someone else is reading this...

BUENOS DIAS!!!
JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MESICAN BYRUS.
SIN WE NO HABE NO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.
PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TANK JOU BEDY MUCH !!
MANUAL GARCIA
MESICAN HACKER

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

"So -- what are you wearing?"

"Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

"Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

"Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

Whatcha get when you mix holy water with castor oil?

A religious movement... YUK YUK!

A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor.
The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed.
'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor.
'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless.'
The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there.
It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.'
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head. 'We're not welcome at the DIY store either'