Let´s have some Fun ... Post here your new Jokes

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful, this is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're so sorry about that," the husband replied. " Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

4 short ones...


1.In a survey of why men loved Blowjobs...8% Loved the feeling.....6%
liked the Thrill.....and 86% loved the F***in'
silence.................

2. I just got barred from B&Q. I went in to the store and some
Bastard in an Orange apron asked if I wanted Decking, Luckily I got the
first punch in..................

3. If a Woman is uncomfortable watching you Masturbate, do you
think
(a) You need to spend more time together
(b) She is a F***in Prude or
(c) she should sit elsewhere on the bus............

4. The latest Craze with Clubbers is to fill a Womans Vagina with
Vodka and drink it out with a Straw. Experts are now warning about the
dangers of Minge Drinking...................

The Chatty Wife


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"



I love this part....



" Only when he's been drinking."

NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Q: why do faggets in chicago like to do it doggy style? A: so they can BOTH watch the cubs lose

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other..."Does this taste funny to you?"

A man is walking along the beach one day and stumbles on a ancient lamp. He picks it up and dusts it off and POOF a genie appears and grants him one wish. The man says, ' I've always wanted to be able to go to Hawaii but I have phobia about flying in planes and I get very seasick so do you think you could build me a bridge from California to Hawaii so that I could drive there?'
The genie paused for a moment then said, ' Look I'd really like to but do you realize how much work that would take? It wouldn't be just the bridge that I would have to build but I'd have to build gas stations, restaurants, motels and rest stops along the way because it is so far. Couldn't you ask for something a little easier like a couple of tons of gold or something?' Then the man said, ' Oh, sorry...well I've always wanted to understand women.'
'Where did you say you wanted me to start that bridge from?!'

Since genie jokes seem to be so popular....

A man and his wife are walking along the beach and stumble across an ancient lamp (imagine that!). The man rubs said lamp to knock the sand off, and a genie magically appears from within! The genie thanks the couple for releasing him from the lamp, and promises them three wishes, but there is a condition. Whatever they wish for, the man's mother-in-law will get double. So the man thinks for a moment, and than says "I want a 15 room house in Beverly Hills." The genie says, "Your wish is granted, but your mother-in-law has a 30 room house across the street from yours. What is your second wish?" After a slight pause, the man says, "I wish I had $10,000,000 in my bank account." The genie says, "Your wish is granted, but your mother-in-law now has $20,000,000 in her bank account. And for your third wish?" Without hesitating, the man says "Now scare me half to death".

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loudpounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where
a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the
morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I didn't. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring
rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we
brokedown and those two guys helped us? I think you should go help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls
out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
The man walks out towards the driveway and sees nothing. "Where are
you?"asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

> A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
> female neighbour came out of her house and went straight to her
> mailbox.
> She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back inside the house.
> A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and
> again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house
> she went.
> As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
> again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
> harder than ever.
>
> Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?
> "To which she replied, "There certainly is!"(are you ready? . . . this
> is a beauty .
> . . . )
> . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> . . . . . . . . . . . . .

>
> "My stupid computer keeps saying: "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

A few funny pics.

Advertisements - The truth!

Thanks Esteban. I'm sending the paint and Dublin images to an Irish Painter I know.
Seriously.

The Dog and The Leopard

A wiener dog and its owner are out walking around a resort in South America. The resort is near a jungle, and the little dog wanders off into the jungle and promptly gets lost. As the wiener dog is trying to figure out how to find its owner again, a leopard sees the little dog and says to himself, "That wiener dog sure would make a tasty treat!" So the leopard starts to advance on the dog. The little dog sees the leopard coming for him and says to himself, "Oh man, how am I gonna get myself out of this?" Just then, the wiener dog sees a nearby pile of bones, and he begins gnawing on them and tossing them around. Just as the leopard is ready to pounce, the little dog says, "That sure was a tasty leopard! I wonder if there are any more around?" Well, the leopard stops when he hears that, and he turns around and runs away, saying to himself, "That wiener dog is more ferocious than I thought!" Thinking that was the end of everything, the little dog resumes its search for a way out of the jungle.

A monkey up in a nearby tree saw the entire thing, and thinks, "I could buy a lifetime of protection from the leopard if I tell him what really happened." So with that, the monkey takes off after the leopard, swinging through the trees. The monkey eventually catches up with the leopard and spills the beans. "Why, that little wiener dog made me look like a fool!", the leopard growled. "Hop on, monkey. We're going to catch us a wiener dog!"

Soon, the little wiener dog hears something approaching, and spies the monkey and the leopard bearing down on him. "Now how am I going to get myself out of this mess?", he says to himself. The little dog turns its back to the monkey and the leopard and pretends not to see them coming. Just when the leopard is within earshot, the little dog says, "Where is that dang monkey? I told him to bring me another leopard a half-hour ago!"