Let´s have some Fun ... Post here your new Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass".

The doctors says, "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

The patient replies, "I've been fucked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

The patient replies "He fingered me first".


_________________

angelus71 wrote:



Muahahaha! That´s really ... disguisting but Great!


BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."


_________________

Subject: British Unwed Girls



The following are all replies that British women have put on **** Support

Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine

excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, **** A was fathered by

Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of **** B, but I

believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my **** as I was being

sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you

with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived

at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met

that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do

manage to track down the father, can you send me his

phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW

that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps

you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it

replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope

confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ

risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of **** A's dad as he informs me that to do

so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the

British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the

country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my **** was as all squaddies look the

same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of **** A. If you do catch up with him, can

you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney;

maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for

sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd

have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146

Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when

you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores
them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time." >>
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly.
"In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi '."

Bet you 50 dollars u will read this again...

Barbecue Season !

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.


More routine.....

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.


11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one
with none:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch,

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,

"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

MAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is

lying in bed reading.



Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."



Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."



Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."





HOW do you turn a lemon on?



You lick its citrus.







A BLOKE walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "Can I have a packet of

helicopter crisps?"



The bartender replies: "Sorry mate, we only have plane."

ONCE upon a time a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?"



She said "No."



And the guy lived happily ever after.

This old, fat and redheaded hooker in the Amsterdam Red Light District was having a bit of an unpopular streak, offcourse due to her age (and the fact that Werf just recently moved to Den Hague, not forgetting Markino loosing his frequent flier card, but thats all beside the point in this story), ahemmm... So anyway, to speed up biznizz she had the face of Vladimir Putin tatooed on the inside of her left thigh and the face of George W. Bush on the right. The marketing strategy was that as she´d be spreading her legs, anyone who could name both fellas got it for free. Get any of them wrong, or both wrong for that matter, you had to pay.

This all actually attracted a bit of traffic (and was a participating factor in Werf moving back to Amster, while Markino offcourse started looking into the Ryan Air timetable), lot of people will go through almost anything as long as it´s free...

Eventually she had a russian client (well maybe actually not russian, some say it was GS from the Ukrain-e) who (anyhow and probably due to proximity) had no problem spotting good old Putin, but got it all wrong with Bush´s face and thought it was some hockey coach from the NHL. So naturally he had to pay for his fun.

A week later a Gnome from the US ventured into this redheaded hookers biznizz venue. He offcourse spotted George straight away, but fucked up on Putin and mixed him up with Aldred E. Newman. As you probably guessed correctly, the Gnome had to pay.

Eventually a german decided to try his luck (some say it was Proximer but I think he is austrian?). The german had a loooooong stare at the hookers´goodies and finally exclaimed;

"Well, Ich have keine idea who zoze two faces at ze sides belongz to, but I am very certain zat ze guy in ze mittle ist Boris Becker".

Boris Becker

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'."

This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

And she said "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh, my God...."

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."


_________________

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.


_________________

angelus71 wrote:



Muahahahaha! Ok Angelus, i will give it a try!