Let´s have some Fun ... Post here your new Jokes

angelus71 wrote:
How can such a sophisticated gentleman tell such utterly horrible stories??

please do go on.. I love them...

You asked for it.

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest pussy. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."


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A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"


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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."


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A paddy (irishman) walks into a brothel in London and asks the mama-manager for ten girls. He says he wants them all lined up naked with their legs in the air, spread-eagled. Mama-san says sure but it´ll cost ya. The paddy assures her that money is no problem and hands over a more than sufficient wad of dough. So he gets what he wants, ten girls with their legs in the air. As he´s alone with the girls, he goes over to each and every one, puts his mouth on their pussies and blows into them furiously. he does this to each and every one of the girls, then leaves the place. The manager, who has been watching behind the one-way mirror, is astounded.. "wtf?".

Anyway, the guy comes back a few days later and asks for the same, but specifies that it has to be 10 different girls this time, not the same as last. Sure, the manager says again, but it´ll cost ya. Well money´s no problem for the paddy, so he gets what he wants. Same routine as last time.

When he comes back a third time and does he´s routine, the manager can´t reffrain from stopping the guy on his way out and asks him;

"Whats with you mate, you do this same thing every time, no fucking, no relief, whats the point? You crazy or something?"

"No I aint crazy" says the paddy. "Just following orders, the IRA sent me here to blow up some english cunts..."

Mickey Mouse filed for a divorce from Minnie. During the court-hearings the judge told Mickey; "Listen Mr. Mouse. The fact that your wife has large teeth doesn´t give you grounds for a divorce". Mickey replied; "Your honor, I never said she had large teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy".

During a visit to an insane asylum, a visitor asked the Director what were the criteria defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "One test is that we fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."

"Well, no," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"


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There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab.
The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?"
The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their d****s, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?"
And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?"
The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?"
And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her."
The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"

"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."


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A 6 year old k.id comes home from school and sits down on the couch next to his dad. The dad asks how his first day of school went.
The k.id replied, “Good, but all the k.ids kept talking about a vagina, and I’m not sure what that is.”
The dad told the k.id “Well son, the vagina is a beautiful thing, before sex it looks like a beautiful rose in bloom.”
The k.id asked “Well what does it looks like after sex?”
The dad proceeded to tell him, “Well son, have ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?”


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A filthy rich playboy decides to settle down and get married. At the time he´s dating three beautiful women and can´t decide which to marry, so he puts them to a test. He hands them each a check for 1 mill dollars and tells them to spend it wisely. Now they all have a fair idea that they´re being tested, and more so, suspect the reason for it, so they do their best. The first one buys him the veteran sportscar he always wanted but never had allowed himself. The second invested in real estate to secure their possible future together financially. The third bought the most romantic round-the-world-trip money could buy.

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* The one with the big tits.

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? A little voice came out of the box...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on."

The famous "The Funniest Joke In The World" from Monthy P.:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjbYNgIi5ss&search=monty%20python%20funniest%20joke

The now so-called The Funniest Joke In The World (!):
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Two hunters, Paddy & Mike, are out in the woods. At night, a poisonous snake slitheres into Paddy's sleeping bag and bites him on the pecker. He awakens with a scream. Mike takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend been biten by a poisonous snake. What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. You have to put your mouth over the wound and suck out the poison."

Mike returns to Paddy, who asks, "What did they say?"

"Sorry Paddy, me boy, but they say you're going to die."
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I don't need no friggin' sig.

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her two ****.

The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7.

"Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

So I told her to f**k off.