Joke

!Sean Connery is on a chat show, along with Cilla Black, and the conversation gets round to fitness. Sean says "I play tennis every day, and then have sex 3 times a day with a 20 minute gap in between."
Cilla is impressed, and suggests "We could have a lorra lorra fun at my place."
Sean agrees to go with her, they get back to her hotel and go for it. When they finish, he stands by the bed, and tells her to hold his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. Twenty minutes later, he's up, and they're off again!
When they have finished he again stands by the bed, and asks her to repeat the holding of his willy and balls - 20 minutes later and it's all systems go.
Totally exhausted, Cilla is a little puzzled: "Sean I've got to ask - did my holding your bits help you get another erection?"
"No."
"Then why?"
"The last time I fucked a Scouse bird she stole my wallet."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her namebadge that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

I'm sorry about the last one. I just can't get the last line out of my head...

a man walks into the bar with a small lizard on his shoulder.

The bartender asks "who's that on your shoulder?"

'His name is Tiny", the man says "He's minute".

<<my newt === minute >>>

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
A few moments passed.
"Matt's riding a new bike."
A few moments passed.
"The Coopers are fucking."
A few moments passed.
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their boy is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Ways to make the day pass more easily...
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your memos with "in accordance with The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital. And ask why the poems don't rhyme?
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, rock bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the ****, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Some pictures for a change...

A rooster and a cat are walking over a bridge. Cat falls into the river. Rooster can't stop laughing at the cat. What is the moral of this story???


Wherever there is a wet pussy there is a happy cock.

Q: What the difference between a turtle on its back and a blonde on hers?

A: Nothing. They're both screwed.

Q: what the similarity between mice and men?

A: The pussy gets them both in the end.

Adam and Eve

Eve: Adam, do you love me?
Adam: No I don't!
Eve: Then why did you make love to me last night??
Adam: Hello!! Like I have a choice.


A couple were just married and were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the HOLE and she was happy with the THING.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a french kiss, only down under

Q: why is sperm donation more expensive then blood donation?
A: because it's handmade.

Q: What goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and wet?
A: Chewing gum

Inner Peace.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have
finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't
finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle
of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum
scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in
ned ov inr pece.

How to tell if your feet stink

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

And to show I'm not sexist...

The Why's of Men
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were driving down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road and killed it instantly.
Mugabe tells his driver: "Go to the farm over dere and hexplain to the howner of the pig what happen."
One hour later, Mugabe sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
"What happen to you?" Mugabe asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."
"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

A neutron walks into the bar and has some drinks. When the night draws to a close he asks what he owes - the bartender says "for you, there's no charge".