Joke

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see,'; 'Yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit!...what happened next?"

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that."
He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

When I was a mere youth I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are testicles from the bull fight this morning, a delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! I'll try em!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull looses the bullfight, and sometimes..."

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for two hours! When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the young boy added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat cunt in the kitchen."

Why is 77 better than 69?

Because you get eight more.


(ate more for those of you who didn't get it yet)

Tom had been in policework for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total
isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks! Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. They'll be some drinking'.

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops...

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!' says Tom, 'I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too',

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there! By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter.' Cliff said, 'Just gonna be the two of us .'

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Johnny wrote:
Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Johnny wrote:
Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
Johnny wrote:
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Johnny began to write his letter to God.
Johnny wrote:

CALL CENTER OPERATOR - Do you speak English?

CLIENT - Yes!

CALL CENTER OPERATOR - Name?

CLIENT - Abdul al-Rhazib.

CALL CENTER OPERATOR - Sex?

CLIENT - Three to five times a week.

CALL CENTER OPERATOR - No, no...I mean male or female?

CLIENT - Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.

CALL CENTER OPERATOR - Holy cow!

CLIENT - Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.

CALL CENTER OPERATOR - But isn't that hostile?

CLIENT - Horse style, doggy style, any style!

CALL CENTER OPERATOR - Oh dear!

CLIENT - No, no! Deer run too fast...

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time"

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman "

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank "

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy stormy Christams Eve, this perfect couple was driving along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge sack of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any ****ren at Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his bundle of toys into the car. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa had an accident.

Only one of them survived.

Who was the survivor?























Answer. The perfect woman survived. She was the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows that there is no Santa Claus and as all woman would agree that there is no such thing as a perfect man.


As far as the women are concerned, that is the end of the joke, however, men scroll down for your joke ending.

























So, if there is no Santa Claus and no perfect man, the woman must have been driving. This explains why the there was an accident.


If you are woman and are still reading, this proves another point. Women never listen!!!!!!!

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Delia's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Man's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.
Delia's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Man's Way: Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Man's Way: Tescos' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way: If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
Man's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
Man's Way: It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Man's Way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a shit.
Delia's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Man's Way: If I can't open it, I don't want whats inside.
Delia's Way: Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
Man's Way: Left over wine???? Hello!!!!!

A man was walking across the road when a truck hit him. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.
He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on
trying..."
She squeezed his hands as he continued: "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply...."
He continued: "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seemed to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me... "
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...There's something I'd really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "You're a fucking jinx, you bitch!"

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. He decided to conduct interviews personally, in the belltower. After watching several applicants demonstrating their skills, he was just about to call it a day when an armless man approached and said he was there to apply for the job.
"But how can you ring bells? You have no arms," the Bishop said.
"Just watch" the man replied. He then began striking the bells with the side of his face, producing beautiful notes. The Bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had found a replacement for Quasimodo. And then it happened. Rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and fell headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The Bishop went down to find a crowd had gathered. And one of them asked, 'Bishop, he made beautiful music. Who was he? '
"I don't know his name." the Bishop said sadly, "but his face rang a bell."



(WAIT, WAIT. NOT FINISHED YET!)



The following day, the Bishop decided he had to continue his search for a bell ringer. The first man to turn up said "I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death yesterday. Please allow me to replace him."
The Bishop agreed to give the man a chance to show what he could do as a bell-ringer - but as he stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he clutched at his chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief, rushed in.
"What happened. Who is this poor man?" they cried.
"I don't know his name," the Bishop said sadly, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"