Joke

here is something to think about...

We all recognize the following truth:

TIME = Money

and since it is also known that women take time and money, we can write:

Women = TIME * Money

subtituting:

Women = (money) * Money

It is well known that money is the root of all evil:

Money = Evil ^1/2

again with substitution:

Women = (Money)^2 = (Evil^1/2)^2 = .....

or....

Women = EVIL.

end proof.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and answered 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, fuck me!! A talking pig!''

Little Darlings Writing About the Ocean...
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy, age
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Messages Clintons Cards turned down - can't see why...

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
That is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty,
and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

knock knock

Sugarman wrote:
Who's there?


(To be read in a quavery, old sounding voice)

I posted this under it's own sbject, but it seems to have disappeared...

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice.
'Makes your dick look bigger.'

The teacher is going through the vocabulary list with the class, quizzing them to see if they've done their studying and will be ready for the test the next day.

She asks little Ben if he has studied the list. "yes' Ben says. "well", says the teacher, "Let's have you use the word 'urinate' in a sentence. And remember to make it a very complete and good sentence that shows you know what the vocabulary word means".

"yes, I can do that", says Ben. He thinks a moment, and then says "Urinate.... Daddy says 'you're an 8' teacher, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten. Urinate."

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the kerb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!'
He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?'

Little Johnny and his family had a wonderful Cristmas morning, everyone was happy. Later on that day Johnnys mom was busy in the kitchen fixing dinner and could hear Johnny out under the tree playing with his new train set. “Choo, Choo, arriving Los-Angeles station! Everybody who needs to get off get the fuck off everyone who needs to get on get the fuck on!”
Johnny’s mom heard this and began to get mad.
“Choo, Choo, arriving Seattle station, Everyone who need to get off get the fuck off, everyone who needs to get on get the fuck on!”
Johnnys mom threw down her spoon and rushed out into the living room, “Johnny, how dare you use that kind of launguage, I know I’ve raised you better than that, you march straight to your room and stay there for an hour and think about what you just said!”
Johnny went to his room and an hour later he came back down and started to play with the train again.
“Choo Choo, arriving Chicago station, everyone who needs to get off,” he paused, “just get off, everyone who needs to get on, get on!”
Little Johnnys mom smiled and thought to herself, “I guess a little good parenting did the trick.”
Little Johnny then went on, “and if anyone needs to know why the trains an hour late ask that cocksucker in the kitchen!”

An old couple move to a new town, and sign on with the local doctor. Since they aren't young, he calls them in for a checkup.
The old man goes first. After a lexhaustive examination, the doctor says "Well, for your age, you are in excelellent health as afar as I can see. Any little problems I should know about?"
The old guys thinks for a bit, "Well, I'm not sure it's relevant, but, when I make love these days, after the first time I'm cold and shivery, but after the second time, I'm all hot and sweaty.
The doctor thinks for a bit (i.e. googles the symptoms) the tells the old guy he will do some research, and get back to him.

The old girl is next. She's in good shape too, and has no problems, so teh doctor askes her about her husband. Had she noticed his problem?
"Silly old fool", she replies. "First time it's January, the second it's July"

the new doctor is being shown around the psychiatric ward.

The nurse shows him the first man, whom is wildly swinging his arms in jabs, blocks and uppercuts. The nurse quietly whispers to him 'this is Fred, but like most folks on this floor he has some issues that make think he is some one else'. The doctor approaches Fred and asks "how are you?"

"i'm muhammed Ali, and I float like a butterfly sting like a bee! I'm training for my match cause if I win I know you're gonna let me out of here'.

the doctor moves on.

Next patient keeps lining up and swinging an imaginary golf club. The doctor asks 'how are you?"

Response is "great Doc! Haven't seen you here before! Names Tiger, and I'm training 'cause I know you'll let me out after I sink that next hole-in-one".


Final man the doctor meets is standing buck naked next to a table. there are cashews and walnuts all over the table top, which the patient is moving around with his exposed penis. "how are you? asks the new doctor.

the patient responds "I'm fucking nuts, I know I'm not getting out of here!"

the only joke i know in english.

What is the common point between bud (the beer) and making love in a canoe?

it's fucking close to water...

Well, i'm sorry for american people...

Little Susie came home from school and told her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies."

Susie said: "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my backpack!! "