Joke

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few
minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig
on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still
wriggling - what should I do?''

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and
when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios
back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw
it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."

I saw this performance on the Jimmy Kimmel show many years ago, it's hilarious. Listen carefully...

deleted...by Fonzz

"Won't you be my nut valet?"

just search for it on youtube if you want to see it...

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies,"Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"

A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on. He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour he could tell the penguin what was wrong with his car. The penguin agreed and went for a walk.
He found an ice-cream shop and thought a big bowl of vanilla ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer, after all. He sat down at the counter and started in on his ice cream. Of course he had no hands so it was rather messy. By the time he was done he had ice cream all over his flippers, and his mouth was a total mess.
He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No no," said the penguin. "It's just ice cream."

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for.
Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Dermot said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Tony to identify the body. Tony took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Tony said "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes.'"

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

A man goes out, and buys a parrot. He gets it home, puts it in the cage, and straight away, the parrot starts swearing like a trooper. Trouble is, this guy is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy opens the cage, grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells "QUIT IT!" then stuff the parrot back in the cage. The parrot shakes itself, and then goes back to swearing.
Then the guy gets really mad, opens the cage, grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells "QUIT IT!" then stuff the parrot in a kitchen drawer. The bird goes silent. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and screams obscenities. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'

A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there... and it HURT!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind." Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream.
"My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No!" cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

A boy is at his local store, picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle"

A married couple are sitting in the office of a marriage counselor.
Neither of them have said a word since they entered his office.The counselor, wanting to start the session, says, "Tell me something that both of you have in common."
There's silence for a few seconds until the husband finally says, "Well, neither of us sucks cock."

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you ?

some very good jokes there mate, had a few from our work laughing. made good reading

You're welcome - but be careful, this forum is hardly "work friendly". I've known people sacked for visiting less rude sites than this...

AltonTowers wrote:

that's so true
Good ones in here, thanks!