Lots of jokes

Promises promises

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him
out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she started talking to him.

"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it
with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in
the ashes then said,"

Herman, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money! " Again, she
paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she
said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money! Finally, still tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? ..here it
comes!"

The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their
first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild
abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a
flute player, killing her instantly.

The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident.

At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton
again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him
instantly.

The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident.

At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violinist.

The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times
in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor. He was tried for triple
homicide and sentenced to death.

After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the
electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch.

But nothing happened.

He turned it off and then back on again, but still nothing.

The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?"

The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me. Everyone knows he's a poor
conductor!"

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every
day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who
will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when
you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or ****ish or unlovable you may
be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do,
in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love
for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord,
Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks
and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that
they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who
will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they
were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased .
And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Twas the night before christmas-old santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down the list

Miserable brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a mind to scrap the whole works

Ive busted my ass for damn near a year
instead of "Thanks Santa" what do i hear?
The ole lady bitches cause i work late at night
The elves want more money-the reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and fucked all the maids
Donner is pregnant and vixen has aids
And just when i thought things would get better
those Assholes from the IRS sent me a letter
saying I owe taxes aint that damn funny
Who the hell ever sent santa claus any money?

And the c h i l d r e n these days- they all are the pits
They want the impossible-those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagon and sleds
Assembling dolls their arms legs and heads
I made a ton of you yo yo's no request for them
they want computers and robots they think I'm fucking IBM

Flying thought the air dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quiting this job theres no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

Theres no christmas this year now you know the reason

Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked,

"What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot
it?
Is it, `Are you my friend?' or is it

`Are you the one who killed my brother?"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they

care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,

and can I run fast enough to get away.

They are very much like the French.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and
so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died
this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their
annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere
around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:


Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."


Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her
being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:


Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:


Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do
to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

From some random post somewhere I can't recall...

Behind the Scenes at the Microsoft Zune Design Laboratory

Lead Designer: [Holding up an iPod] Ok, so we want to make one of these.

Associate Designer: Embrace and extend one of these, you mean.

LD: Right, right. [Nods] Right. So are we done?

AD: Well, no. We have to design it.

LD: I thought we were embracing their design.

AD: No, Jobs has good lawyers. We need to do lots of extending.

LD: Right. Right. [Turns iPod around in his hands] VistaPod?

AD: More than the name.

LD: Right. Well, how about we make this scroll wheel thingy textured. With
little bumps and ****. The TexturePod!

AD: No. We can’t use a scrollwheel. Apple has that patented. And we want to
stay away from pod, if possible.

LD: [sighs] Tell me again why we don’t just buy the fuckers?

AD: Jobs won’t sell.

LD: Oh, good. I thought it was principles, or something.

AD: No. We haven’t embraced principles. How about we make the screen bigger?

LD: I like that! We’ll have a VistaPod Enterprise Edition with a big screen, a
VistaPod Home Edition with a really small screen, a VistaPod Business Edition
with a big screen, but only half of it works, a VistaPod Student Edition …

AD: We’re going to try to embrace simplicity for this one. Only one edition.

LD: [pauses] I don’t understand.

AD: Only one kind of VistaPod.

LD: Huh.

AD: And we can’t call it a VistaPod.

LD: Right.

AD: Right.

[uncomfortable silence]

LD: So how much did we offer Jobs?

AD: Lots. Ok, so a bigger screen. And let’s use buttons instead of the wheel.

LD: Right. Wheels are dumb anyway. You don’t type with wheels!

AD: Yeah. [pauses] You know that there’s not going to be any typing on this
thing, right?

LD: [frowns] So how are they going to pick songs?

AD: Well, not by typing their names.

LD: So are all the songs going to be in the Start menu?

AD: [pauses] There’s not going to be a Start menu either.

LD: Oh.

AD: Have you even looked at an iPod before?

LD: Well … no. I was just going to hand one off to our Embrace and
Extendgineers and tell them to make one.

AD: Well we can’t do that.

LD: Right. [pauses] So bigger screen, buttons. No Start Menu. No keyboard. No
mouse?

AD: No mouse.

LD: No mouse. Ok. [thinks] I’ve got it.

AD: Alright.

LD: iPods come in a bunch of colors, right? White and black and blue and
whatever, right?

AD: Right.

LD: Let’s come up with a color that no one’s ever used before.

AD: [sighs] That’s a start, I guess.

LD: Brown.

AD: Brown?

LD: Brown.

AD: Like a UPS truck?

LD: I was thinking more a carmel **** brown.

AD: A shit-colored MP3 player.

LD: Yeah. [smiles] Oh yeah.

AD: So you’re proposing a ShitPod.

LD: [frowns] I thought we couldn’t use pod.

AD: Why would anybody buy that?

LD: It’s reverse psychology. Everyone always says our stuff looks like ****,
right? So what happens if we make something that actually does?

AD: [rubs temples] I don’t know.

LD: Then we get to say yeah it looks like ****! That’s the point!

AD:

LD: It’s countercultural! It’s bold!

AD:

LD: I feel like we’re having a moment here.

AD: Have you ever designed anything before?

LD: Also, let’s make it look like a brick. A sort of clunky brown brick with a
big screen and buttons.

AD: A ShitBrickPod.

LD: Something like that. [claps hands] I think we’ve got it. We’ll get
marketing to take pictures of teenagers laughing and partying and being cool
while they’re listening to their ShitBrickPods. And we’ll call the campaign
“Bringing the Ugly”.

AD: I don’t think that’s a great idea.

LD: Apple’s already done pretty, ok? They’ve already done elegant and well-
designed. We need to go in a different direction.

AD: So you’re saying we need to boldly sell something ugly and poorly
designed.

LD: Look, we’ve been doing it for the past 15 years. Why stop now? What’s
so special about the ShitBrickPod?

AD: I really don’t think …

LD: Ok, lunchtime! [stands up] That was fun. Let’s design something else
tomorrow!

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (Dec. 5) - It is considered polite to light a match after
passing gas. Not while on a plane.

An American Airlines flight was **** to make an emergency landing Monday
morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence,
authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers
reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance,
spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99
passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane
was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an
attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified
medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she
said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane.
The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Husband (a doctor) and his wife
are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
She says, "Getting a second opinion!"

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home Depot
customers.
Over the last month I became a Victim of a Clever Scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the Scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls
come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a Rag and Windex, with their
Breasts almost falling out of their Skimpy T-Shirts. It is impossible not to
look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having Sex
with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs Oral Sex on you,
while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 13th, 15th, 16th,
yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy
some more wallets.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!

Fly who sit on toilet get pissed off.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Some men like a girl for her mind. Some men like a girl for what she doesn't
mind.

Man who walks around with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Let's try and stay with this new program:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these guys:
LUCKY BASTARDS.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a c h i l d , the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no,
I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the c h i l d who is supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to
wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache,
cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his
wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I
think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of
yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you
insulted the president of the company, right
To his face."

"He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!"

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Bob.

"I did. You go back to work on Monday."

As the postman is delivering the mail, the door opens. Mrs. Jones, who is hot
to begin with, is standing there in a sexy teddy.

She becons to the postman. He can't resist... he follows...

...up the stairs...

...to the bedroom...

She drops the teddy. He drops his trousers.

Wild sex ensues.

Silently, they dress. He says "Mrs. Jones, this is absolutely the best
Christmas gift I've had."

"Oh, wait! That reminds me!" She goes to her purse, opens her wallet, and
gives the postman a five.

"What's this for?" he asks.

"Well, I asked me husband what to get you for Christmas. He said 'Screw 'im.
Give him five bucks.'"

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the
diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and
there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the
good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are
no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's
trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through
life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got
to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to
celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring
between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of
being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the
pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and
grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that
again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably... but I don't know if I
can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"