Lots of jokes

A Packer fan, a Viking fan, and a Bear fan were all in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police
rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe
offense in Saudi Arabia; so for the terrible crime of actually being
caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to
successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a
stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be
released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said,
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each
of you one wish before your whipping."

The Viking fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought
about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through. The Viking fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with
pain when the punishment was done.

The Packer fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by
himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two
pillows on my back. "But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes
before the whip went through again, sending the Packer fan out crying
like a little girl.

The Bear fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but
before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You
support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best
and most
loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Bear fan replies. "In
recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20,
but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome, and powerful man, you are also
very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is
it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Packer fan to my back."

Some people say a glass is half full . . .
Other people say the glass is half empty.


An engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

Two engineering students meet on campus one day.

The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!'"

"Good choice!" says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the raction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

How you can tell if someone is an Engineering student:

They think "Spring Break" is a metal fatigue failure

There is a half glass of scotch on a table.

The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, "What's the question?"

A Mathematician, a Physicist, and an Engineer were sitting on a park bench when a red ball came to rest in front of them.

The Mathematician says, "If we measure the diameter of the ball, we can get it's volume by 4/3pi(d/2)^3..."

The Pysicist chimes in, "...or simply submerse it in water and measure the volume of water displaced."

The Engineer looked dumbfounded and said, "Why not just look it up in the Red Ball Book?"

A farm boy went to the fair with his father and their prize rooster. The farmer wanted to go get drunk, so the kid was stuck guarding the rooster, but he kept looking across the midway at the girly show tent and was overcome with curiosity about what was going on in there. Finally he couldn't resist it, and just shoved the rooster down the front of his overalls and went to the show.

Inside a woman tapped her boyfriend and whispered, "Honey, the man next to me has unzipped his pants and his...you know what is out".

The man just smiled and said "Don't worry, you've seen those things before".

"Yes," replied the woman, "but this one is eating my cracker jacks."

---

perhaps she should say "his cock is showing"...

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO".

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.Many females use a date **** drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with
horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and
sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

Hoss and Billy Bob are walking down the street somewhere in Little Rock and they
come across a dog with its head stuck in a fence.

Hoss looks at the dog's predicament and says to Billy Bob, "Hey I'm gonna have
me some fun"

He gets behind the dog and start humping it like there's no tomorrow.

When he's done he looks over at Billy Bob and asks. "Y'all want a turn now?"

Billy Bob replies "I sure would but I don't think I can fit my head through that
fence"

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most
men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and
getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but
easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

What are men like? Men are like a fine wine. They begin as g****s, and it's up
to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to enjoy with dinner.

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me - this very
moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right
there on the kitchen table

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her
foot and stomped them flat.................

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden." she said.