Lots of jokes

You'll be a big man at the dinner table when you tell this one to your c h i l d r e n:

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Impatient cow.

Impatient c----

Moo.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother."

2. He loved Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it.

3 And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a
Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think
God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have
enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe
we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other
**** saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate us anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with
new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, Our marines
could blow the shit out of him."

THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of g****s.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one huge shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Three notes walk into a bar...

*Smiley Roberts* From: Hendersonville,Tn. 37075 posted 11 July 2005 06:56 AM

So, three notes walk into a bar -- a G, an Eb, and a C.

The bartender looks up and says "We don't serve m-i-n-o-r-s."

So the Eb leaves and the other two have a fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the G was out flat, and the whole experience was
diminished.

Eventually, the C sobers up, sees one of his friends missing, the other
one passed out, and a policeman standing over him. And to his horror he
realizes that he's under a rest.

------------------

*Mark van Allen* From: loganville, Ga. USA posted 11 July 2005 07:49 AM

The Bartender, being an F, didn't mention the dominant role he had
played in the proceedings...

------------------

*Charlie McDonald* From: Lubbock, Texas, USA posted 11 July 2005 07:53 AM

Or the F had to suspend the triad's drinking privileges....

------------------

*Joey Ace* From: Southern Ontario, Canada posted 11 July 2005 08:07 AM

Being an F, he wasn't two sharp, that would make a D, however he was
still on Staff.

He was feeling low, so he made a Ledger Note
to raise a Fifth to Augment his disposition.

Soon he was Suspended.

-----------------

*Marty Pollard* From: the mouths of babes posted 11 July 2005 10:00 AM

If only they had put their trust in Gsus.

-----------------

*Joey Ace* From: Southern Ontario, Canada posted 11 July 2005 11:36 AM

They left when they were all Baroque.

-----------------

From: Koh Samui Island, Thailand posted 11 July 2005 10:34 PM

They should'a all moved to West Virginia to live with their
Relative Miners...

-----------------

*Joey Ace* From: Southern Ontario, Canada posted 20 July 2005 11:10 AM

I find that C notes are welcome in most bars . . .

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the **** came
back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said,

"My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we
were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when
we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke andmade
a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all
your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But
we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to his story is
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to
bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky,
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?" Michael replied "Stay the FUCK
away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish
together. The public doesnt give a damn what goes on in between. -Sir
Thomas Beecham

I only know two tunes. One of them is Yankee Doodle and the other
isn't. -Ulysses S. Grant

I assure you that the typewriter, when played with expression, is not
more annoying than the piano when played by a sister of near relation.
-Oscar Wilde

Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at 6 oclock. After it has
been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20.
-David Randolph

Wagner has lovely moments, but awful quarters of an hour.
-Gioacchino Rossini

Nothing can be more disgusting than an oratorio. How absurd to see 500
people fiddling like madmen about Israelites in the Red Sea.
-Sydney Smith

There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.
-Arthur Honegger

I know two kinds of audiences only - one coughing, and one not coughing.
- Artur Schnabel

If I play Tchaikovsky I play his melodies and skip his spiritual
struggles. If there is any time left over, I fill in with a lot of runs
up and down the keyboard. - Liberace

Opera is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.
-H.L.Mencken

If I had the power, I would insist on all oratorios being sung in the
costume of the period, with a possible exception in the case of The
Creation. - Ernest Newman

Extraordinary how potent cheap music is. - Noel Coward

I cant listen to too much Wagner, ya know I start to get the urge to
conquer Poland. -Woody Allen

"He'd be better off shovelling snow." Richard Strauss on Arnold
Schoeberg.

"His music used to be original. Now, it's aboriginal." Sir Ernest Newman
on Igor Stravinsky

"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and
I won't let any of you in." Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra

"We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but it would be nice if
you would keep in touch with us now and then." Sir Thomas Beecham to a
musician during rehearsal.

"Richard Wagne's music is better than it sounds." -Mark Twain

"Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost" -Anonymous

After playing the violin for cellist Gregor Piatgorsky, Albert Einstein
asked."Did I play well?" "You played relatively well." the cellist
replied.

"The sound of a harpsichord--two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a
thunderstorm." -Sir Thomas Beecham

"Anton Bruckner wrote the same symphony nine times, trying to get it just
right. He failed." -Edward Abbey

Someone commented to Rudolph Bing that George Szell is his own worst
enemy. "Not while I'm alive, he isn't." said Bing.

"I liked the opera bery much. Everything, that is, but the music."
Benjamin Britten on The Rake's Progress.


"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving
pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."
-Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my c h i l d r e n to spend
their weekends with?

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love.
I'd stepped in it a few times."

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them.
My mother cleans them."

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

- Rita Rudner

A piano player shows up for an audtion for a gig at a very exclusive
restaurant-night club. The manager explains in no uncertain terms that this
is an extremely exclusive establishment and asks the piano player to play.
He plays something that is undeniably so great and the manager is impressed
and asks the guy what the name is of what he played.

The piano gives him a name for the tune that is so vulgar and disgusting
that the manager flinches. The Manager then stresses once again that this
is a really exclusive place and asks the guy to play something else, which
he does and again, on being asked the name of the tune gives an equally
crude name for the piece. The manager hires him but again goes on and on
about what an exclusive high class place this is and tells him not to tell
the names of his tunes to the club patrons.

The guy plays the gig that night and the people are just going nuts over his
playing. They usually just talk and eat and drink, but are just enthralled
with his playing and are clapping and giving him standing ovations at the
end of every tune until after a long set he announces that he has to take a
leak.

On finishing this task he neglects to pull up his fly and walks out of the
head with his zipper down. One of the patrons notices and decides to tell
him by saying: Do you know your fly is down and your dick is hanging out?
The piano player says, "Know it! I wrote it"!!!!

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass
it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three
days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack
in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have
to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you
"the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two c h i l d r e n with me. They are over
there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too"

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog
or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number
was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.



Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

what a wonderful way to shamelessly
bump-up your post count with!!!



oh well, here goes...

Knock, Knock.......

Huh...is someone at my door?

(turning off monitor)...

"Who's there?"

According to a recently published report issued by the National Academic Society For Incomplete Research (NASFIR), every year more than 2,500 Americans