Lots of jokes

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

(not really true, though)

This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to 5 really
important Questions:

Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take
your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Now, you know everything you need to know

Bonus question:

Q6. WHAT DO YOU CALL YOUR WIFE AND MOTHER-IN-LAW IN YOUR CAR?
A: Dual air bags.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands. Finally, the president looks up and asks...
"How many is a Brazillion?"

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...makes me think of those celebrity Jeopardy skits on SNL...

"I'll have the rapists for a thousand, Trebek!"

"That's THERAPISTS for $1000..."

"I'll have the penis mightier for a thousand, Trebek!"

"That's THE PEN IS MIGHTIER for $1000..."

"I'll have anal bum cover for a thousand, Trebek!"

"That's AN ALBUM COVER for $1000...."

One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I
show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me
five free beers?"

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.

The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches
his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five
beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and
will grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then
the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will
grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000
ducks came out of nowhere.

The bartender goes back into the bar.

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10
inch pianist?"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of
paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while the two nuns
decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint
naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door."Who
is it?" calls one of the nuns."Blind man," replies a voice from the other
side of the door.The two nuns look at each other and shrug both deciding
that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the
door."Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

GOD CREATED C H I L D R E N (AND IN THE PROCESS GRAND****REN)

To those of us who have c h i l d r e n in our lives, whether they are our own
grand****ren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you
chuckle. Whenever your c h i l d r e n are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
c h i l d r e n. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later God
saw His c h i l d r e n having an apple break and He was angry!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have c h i l d r e n of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give c h i l d r e n wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising c h i l d r e n, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching c h i l d r e n to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and
shut up

2. Grand c h i l d r e n are God's reward for not killing your own c h i l d r e n.

3. Mothers of t e e n s now know why some animals eat their young.

4. c h i l d r e n seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word
for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding c h i l d r e n's parties is to remind
yourself that there are c h i l d r e n more awful than your own.

6. We c h i l d proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your c h i l d r e n. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM C H I L D R E N"!

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which
one should go and answer the door bell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll
give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking
for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything
about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed
her legs, **** her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had
a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologised
profusely. He **** himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his
hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful
glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss
a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3

Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers
are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference
for Golf.

MORAL OF THE STORY: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in
size.

Corporate Lesson 4

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable
infidelity. Suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off.
Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 y e a r o l d daughter. The little
girl is just chatting away at her father when, all of a sudden, the penis
smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a
moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 12 y e a r o l d daughter to anything sexual at such
a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes
she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!!"

A man comes into the ER and yells, "Doctor, My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald,San Antonio,TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes,Seattle,WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg,Manitoba,Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous,Worcester,MA


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,Norfolk,VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered . Why,
not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson,Corvallis,OR


I was caring for a woman fromKentuckyand asked, So, how's your breakfast
this morning?" It's very good, except for theKentuckyJelly. I can't seem to
get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly
and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,Detroit,MI

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he
was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, inArkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

.........and perhaps THE best one

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in
fact, up there.

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed
the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far
away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an S600 with a
chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah
and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met
this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It
took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes. She wrote: "Milton, the
house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought
was good. Thanks."

"Menachim, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50
people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Subject: musicians "A MUST READ"

The public needs to know that as musicians we all have chips implanted in
our heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of every patron
who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be
vague, we love the challenge. If we say we really don't remember that tune
you want, we're only kidding. Bands do know every song ever recorded, so
keep humming. Hum harder if need be...it helps jog the memory, or just
repeat your request over and over again.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either
forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few
words for the band. Any words will do.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per
set followed by the phrases,"AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand
gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well,
such as the thumbs down or your middle finger up.

Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes
you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band." You can bet your request
will be the next song we play.

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for
their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they
will do once they arrive.

We don't actually make set lists or rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for
you to yell something out, then fake it. An entertainer's job is so easy,
even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily.Your
request is all that matters. Once you've figured out what genre of music the
band plays, please make your requests from a totally different genre. The
more exaggerated the better.

If its a blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera.
Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to request Brown-eyed
Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their
musical horizons, and its your job to see that it happens....immediately.

''TALKING WITH THE BAND''

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at
the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our
hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the
megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.And we can converse with you
in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that we're in the
middle of the chorus.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your
question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look
at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your
request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps
immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer
questions and sing at the same time.If the singer doesn't answer your
questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's
because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an
attitude. We love this.

''IMPORTANT''

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in
both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head
securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a
friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.
Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers
are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back,
protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their
instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind
their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible,
so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between
songs.

''HELPING THE BAND''

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your
help with the next few tunes,or however long you can remain standing on
stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted,simply lean on one of the
band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you see. Just pretend
you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in.

By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you
should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up
and attempt to sing harmony.

Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing,
fifth and sixth part harmonies,or a tambourine played on one and three and
out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge.The band always needs
the help and will take this as a compliment.

Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't really
amplify your voice,so when you grab the mic out of the singers hand be sure
to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will hear what
a great singer you are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow.The crowd and the sound
guy will love you for it.

''BONUS TIP''

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage
and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected
from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you have
successfullycompleted your audition.The band will call you immediately the
following day to offer you a position.

See you at the next gig....

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice special occasion,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice
not to practice religious or secular traditions at all ..

A N D

A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make England great, (not to imply that
England is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only
"ENGLAND" in the western hemisphere,) and without regard to the race, creed,
colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the
wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application
of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited
to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion
of the wisher.