Masturbation - what do you call it?

Just a bit of fun this one.

The question is - what alternative names do you have for "masturbating". Me, being a male of the species, knows a few terms for us guys. Girls - I know none. So everyone - share any terms you have come (or even cum) across in your travels.

Some of the male ones I have heard are:
pleasing the pliant plesiosuar
playing the pink tombone
makin' with the bacon
stroking the pork sword
waking the dead (I don't know who told me that one - he must have been out of practice!)

I look forward to any contributions

shaking hands with the unemployed?

Having sex with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters