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sir_darkstar
Senior VIP club member
Added: Jul 08, 2007 12:54 am
The following article appeared in the New York Times and the Washington Journal and features a story about what visitors can expect when they visit our Olympic City of Sydney...Quite amusing really...(I suggest it is a little tongue in cheek, but I am sure most Americans will believe every word of it.)

The Confusing Country

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girthing sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals.They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet,Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. The same applies
with snakes. With Australians having the 10 most deadly reptiles anywhere in the world. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.

A stick is very useful for this task. However any attempt to pick up a stick should be done with care since it is likely that the stick could also be one of the deadly snakes.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides.
During the night it comes out to feed. The wombat kills people in two ways:

First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply push up harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand. This is considered the third
most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, snakes and spiders and sticks. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in fall (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on extended holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American and you insult their beer. Faced with insurmountable odds and seemingly impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Tips to Surviving Australia...

* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Always check the stick is indeed a stick.
* Seek air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
* Thick socks. Thicker shoes
* Take good maps.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
* See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous snakes, arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, Volumes I to LXII"
Burn
Good Poster
Added: Jul 08, 2007 6:56 am
That, was a bloody good read! Very Happy
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RJ TAYLER
Respected Poster
Added: Jul 08, 2007 8:00 am
BLOODY GREAT YARN THAT! FULL MARKS FROM ME! (SORRY 'BOUT THE CAPS AT THE FOOTY MATE) Exclamation Wink
fantailedalbi
Respected Poster
Added: Jul 08, 2007 8:35 pm
Genesis - Chapter 1 (abridged)

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void. So he set about doing something about it. He created light, mountains and plains and seas to fill in between. He created trees to make firewood and sticks, grass to lie on and flowers for pollen (so leading to hayfever). He also made animals to eat the trees and grass and flowers. Finally he created man so that sticks could be used, fires burnt, animals eaten etc. This he did in six days.

On the eve of the sixth day he looked at what he'd done and thought that it was a pretty good job he'd done in six days, not over-running like most builders. So he decided to have a party to celebrate.

On the seventh day he woke with an almighty hangover. Then he realised he'd missed something and so created Australia.
chucke
I'm probably spamming
Added: Jul 08, 2007 8:45 pm
nice post - thanks for the read
loosegoose
Poster
Added: Aug 05, 2007 4:32 am
Don't try to kill the spiders with the shotgun you'll find under your hotel bed either, it's just there for bluff. Shooting them just makes them really really mad at you
R0m30
Very Respected Poster
Added: Aug 05, 2007 6:20 am
loosegoose wrote:
Don't try to kill the spiders with the shotgun you'll find under your hotel bed either, it's just there for bluff. Shooting them just makes them really really mad at you
Yes, it's like that.

Or the other way around.
lucius66
I'm probably spamming
Added: Aug 24, 2007 7:32 pm
Thats pretty bloody funny Very Happy ...It should also be mentioned that we play REAL football bereft of the body armour, helmets and other girly accoutremnets favoured by the Yanks who really don't play footie at all...it's actually pattycake with some steroids thrown in Sad
Slate_Misthawk
Good Poster
Added: Aug 25, 2007 2:53 pm
Wow, that is the funniest thing I've read all day. Thanks.
ramblin'man
Respected VIP club member
Added: Sep 02, 2007 5:08 am
lucius66 wrote:
Thats pretty bloody funny Very Happy ...It should also be mentioned that we play REAL football bereft of the body armour, helmets and other girly accoutremnets favoured by the Yanks who really don't play footie at all...it's actually pattycake with some steroids thrown in Sad

Oh please, don't be such a galah. Very Happy Having played both American Football (Secondary School) and Rugby (College) trust me when I say that the sports are 98% different - and that holds true for comparing A.F. to Australian Rules Football as well. Admittedly, I know less about ARF as its ONLY played in Oz. That said, the guy in the clean white suit and cute hat who comes out to do the double pointing thing is quite dapper. Cool But I'll use rugby for the sake of argument...

People -- usually Auzzies sometimes Brits but hardly ever Americans because most don't know squat about Rugby -- try to compare them because there are small similarities like the shape of the ball, "kicking the ball", and oh jeez hmmm guys hitting each other. Rugby players would get killed trying to play A.F., and vice versa. Not to mention the fact that Rugby is far more aerobic while A.F. is totally anaerobic -- which is why you see great big bloody huge linemen who are 6'6" tall and weigh 370 pounds and can singlehandedly lift a VW Jetta but also have a big ol' gut. Rugby players who are taller could make great A.F. Running Backs, yadda yadda yadda, but there's simply so much more specialization in A.F. (yes, I know there's a lot in Rugby too, but its not nearly as much). To be honest, in many parts of the USA (mainly northeast), guys who play American Football but subsequently don't grow to be very tall sometimes use their strength and conditioning to play college rugby, like a certain ramblin' man. Wink

But I, of course, would never DREEEEEEAMMM of drifting one of SD's threads, he knows that. Great read, especially love the part on Wombats, that had me slapping my knee. My Aussie mates kept calling me a Wombat in Thailand because I hooked up in a bar and was back to the room in a couple hours ... a Wombat eats roots and leaves ... and being an American I didn't know what Auzzie meaning was attached to "roots", blah blah blah.

Er, guess you had to be there. Embarassed

RM
sir_darkstar
Senior VIP club member
Added: Sep 02, 2007 6:57 am
ramblin'man wrote:
a Wombat eats roots and leaves ...


depends where you place the punctuation

A wonbat eats, roots and leaves or leave it how you wrote it. roflmao

in the thailand context I think mine was more appropriate
wombatNo1
Godfather of Forumophilia
Added: Sep 02, 2007 10:29 am
That article is funny! I first read it some time ago, and i`m pretty sure (tho not 100%) that it was written by Douglas Adams of HitchHikers guide fame.
lucius66
I'm probably spamming
Added: Oct 03, 2007 4:24 am
ramblin'man wrote:
lucius66 wrote:
Thats pretty bloody funny Very Happy ...It should also be mentioned that we play REAL football bereft of the body armour, helmets and other girly accoutremnets favoured by the Yanks who really don't play footie at all...it's actually pattycake with some steroids thrown in Sad

Oh please, don't be such a galah. Very Happy Having played both American Football (Secondary School) and Rugby (College) trust me when I say that the sports are 98% different - and that holds true for comparing A.F. to Australian Rules Football as well. Admittedly, I know less about ARF as its ONLY played in Oz. That said, the guy in the clean white suit and cute hat who comes out to do the double pointing thing is quite dapper. Cool But I'll use rugby for the sake of argument...

People -- usually Auzzies sometimes Brits but hardly ever Americans because most don't know squat about Rugby -- try to compare them because there are small similarities like the shape of the ball, "kicking the ball", and oh jeez hmmm guys hitting each other. Rugby players would get killed trying to play A.F., and vice versa. Not to mention the fact that Rugby is far more aerobic while A.F. is totally anaerobic -- which is why you see great big bloody huge linemen who are 6'6" tall and weigh 370 pounds and can singlehandedly lift a VW Jetta but also have a big ol' gut. Rugby players who are taller could make great A.F. Running Backs, yadda yadda yadda, but there's simply so much more specialization in A.F. (yes, I know there's a lot in Rugby too, but its not nearly as much). To be honest, in many parts of the USA (mainly northeast), guys who play American Football but subsequently don't grow to be very tall sometimes use their strength and conditioning to play college rugby, like a certain ramblin' man. Wink

But I, of course, would never DREEEEEEAMMM of drifting one of SD's threads, he knows that. Great read, especially love the part on Wombats, that had me slapping my knee. My Aussie mates kept calling me a Wombat in Thailand because I hooked up in a bar and was back to the room in a couple hours ... a Wombat eats roots and leaves ... and being an American I didn't know what Auzzie meaning was attached to "roots", blah blah blah.

Er, guess you had to be there. Embarassed

RM


*LOL*...hmm...I'm assuming that your Gridiron playing and your Rugby playing days were both in the US...correct me there if I'm wrong....otherwise I really can't see you making the comments that you have. No offense mate but Rugby in the US is a complete joke. I know...i live here and have seen both the college rugby and club games in quite a few areas. ....I've also played both Gridiron (Fullback) and Rugby League and Union (again at the fullback position) but in the case of Rugby it was in Australia, my country of birth, at school and State level as well as semi proffesional in the area of Rugby league, where I played two seasons of first grade with the Balmain Tigers (Now combined with western Suburbs into the Wests Tigers. My gridiron days were college football at A&M in Texas, when my parents moved here when i was a teenager...and I'll tell you straight here and now there is absolutely no comparison to the contact in a game of Rugby compared to that of a game of gridiron football ...none whatsoever. Most guys playing rugby at a semi or proffesional level, especially in the tight 5 and back row postions in Union and the same in league, are running at between 260 and 300 pounds with the difference that these guys can MOVE...FAST...and they can hit...REALLY hit. Linebackers, Conerbacks, Safetys ect may be able to lift VW's, but seriously those guys are SLOW and FAT...so by the time they do get to you there is absolutely no real momentum...the only times I ever got hit bad in Gridiron at college was actually AFTER the tackle was completed and the play called when all those fat fucks would pile in on top of you trying to hurt you because they couldn't ever get a good shot going while you were on motion...never in the tackle itself... most of the time they can't even really tackle at all anyway...they seem to prefer to try and sort of slap block or shoulder charge...I would bet my house and lifesavings that in any stand up competion between either the Aussie Kangaroo League team or the NZ All Blacks any all star NFL team would get staright up hammered, in both the physical stakes in terms of punishment handed out, and the degree of fitness over an 80 minute game played without a 2 minute break every 6 seconds....and thats speaking from experinece playing both at a reasonably high level.
sir_darkstar
Senior VIP club member
Added: Oct 03, 2007 2:24 pm
I dont want to piss anyone off but -

there is only two good things to come out of america

Julia Roberts and Chuck Norris

And next time you are talking to G. W. Bush could you ask him to remove our Prime Ministers lips from his ass and send him home, we have an election coming up.
Deity
Respected VIP club member
Added: Oct 03, 2007 2:41 pm
American Porn > Aussie Porn