Post Your Jokes and Funny Emails etc.....

I know everybody gets a ton of these in your email so I thought it would be fun for people to post some of them.

Here is one somebody sent me that I thought was funny as hell!!


Pet Monkey



Bob walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard
balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he
swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the Bob, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

Bob says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Bob, "He eats everything in
sight, the little pig. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. " He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,
then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
Bob is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
bar.
He
grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the
monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks.

"No, what?" replies Bob.

"Well, he picked up a maraschino cherry, stuck it up his butt, then
pulled it out and ate it! Then he did the same with a peanut!" said the
bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Bob. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures
everything first."

Grandma

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather
had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
If the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my c_h_i_l_d. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

I'll bite.

A perfect day.

According to her.

08:45 am Woken up by hugs and kisses
09:00 am The scale shows 5 lbs (2kg) less
09:30 am A light breakfast
11:00 am Working on the tan
12:30 pm Lunch with her best girlfriend at an outdoor café
01:45 pm Shopping
02:30 pm Run into the fiances exgirlfriend - discover she have gained 35 lbs (15kg)
03:00 pm Manicure, massage, getting an afternoon nap
07:30 pm Candlelight dinner for two with ballroom dancing
10:00 pm Slow, fullfilling, romantic lovemaking
11:30 pm Pillowtalk in his strong, muscular arms

According to him.

10:00 am Wake up
10:02 am Get some oral
10:09 am BIG breakfast
11:30 am Driving a Ferrari along the coast, accompanioned by a chic with Big'n's
02:15 pm Enormous lunch
03:15 pm Get some oral
03:25 pm Sporting with the lads, pals, hoomies
04:30 pm Beer with the lads, pals, hoomies
06:30 pm Run into Claudia Schiffer
06:40 pm Get some oral
07:30 pm Gigantious dinner, more beer
11:00 pm Straight on, banging, gorillasex
11:10 pm Sleep


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Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window. And sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and took the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.

I actually got this from a friend who works for the US government...






Groanin'Man

^^^^^^ aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Alright here's the joke:

Every year a rich man and a poor man get together after christmas to talk about what they got their wives.

The rich man tells the poor man...

"This year I bought my wife a diamond ring, and a Mercedes."

and the poor man says

"Why did you buy her that?"

He responds

"Because if she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in the Mercedes and still be happy!"

Then the poor man tells the rich man

"This year I bought my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo...."

The rich man asks...

"Well why the heck did you buy her that!?"

The poor man responds...

"Well... That way if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go FUCK HERSELF!"



Compliments of Tony Soprano!

What do you get if you put 10 blonds in a row, ear to ear?

A windtunnel.
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Two Drunks



One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

an irishman walks out of a bar...........................

julie

juliegirl wrote:

Needs a bit of fine tuning Julie.

Esteban walks out of a bar............
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