watch your back

As told by a gentleman friend: "One Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, & went to the garage to hook the boat up to the car. Coming out of the garage, the rain was pouring down, a torrential downpour and the wind was blowing 80 kph.

So, I returned to the garage, came back into the house, and turned on the Weather, only to learn that it's going to be bad weather all day.

I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed where I cuddled up to my wife's back.
Now with a different anticipation, I whispered, "The weather is terrible out there".
To which she sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"






An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."




A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"




Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important:

Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do NOT show him your bum.

This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.




and finally
old but...

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone for verification.)

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous

hundred times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?"

Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not

to give any answers away or you'll lose.

Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?

Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara.

If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian ....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one

question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"



Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break" And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars

what is this /

So did Sara and Brian win the trip?

Funny Funny Funny
lol lol lol
nice joke, bro, keep up good work